Orgasm control and chastity play are paradoxical kinks. In essence, people who are into these (surprisingly common) fetishes get off on the idea or practice of not getting off. If that sounds strange or confusing—or hot—to you, read on to learn more.
Before we dive into the why and the how, let’s define some basic terms.
Orgasm Control, Orgasm Denial, Chastity, and Edging
These three concepts are closely linked, but not synonymous. In a nutshell, here’s what we mean by each of them:
- Orgasm control is an umbrella term that can encompass many different forms of orgasm-based play including denial, edging, cum-on-command training, and chastity.
- Orgasm denial refers to refraining from orgasm for a period of time. Denial can be self-inflicted or imposed by a dominant partner in a power exchange relationship.
- Chastity involves playing with chastity devices (such as cock cages or belts) that physically prevent genital contact or stimulation. You can get chastity devices for all kinds of bodies, but those for people with penises are generally smaller and more practical. Chastity belts for people with vulvas are often large and bulky… and can make it hard to use the bathroom or take a shower!
- Edging is when you get as close as possible to orgasm but stop before you go over the edge and climax.
If you’re into (or curious about) orgasm control, you may or may not engage with all these different aspects of it. You can experiment with orgasm control on your own or with a partner. It can be something you do on an ongoing basis, or something you only do for the length of a scene. The choice is yours and there’s no right or wrong.
As with any fetish, people are into orgasm control for a wide variety of different reasons and the only way to know for sure is to ask.
Orgasm control and chastity are often deeply psychological kinks. That is, people do them for mental reasons at least as much as for physical ones. Many submissives find that giving their dominant partner control over their release puts them into a more submissive headspace (subspace) which can be its own reward. After all, if someone else is in control of when - or if - you can get off, your motivation to please that person will be very high!
For Dominants, they often relish the feeling of power and control that chastity and orgasm control can give them. “If someone gives me the key to their sexual release, I see that as the ultimate act of trust and devotion,” as one Dominant described it.
Of course, orgasm control and chastity also have physical effects. Many people say that the longer they are denied or the more they are edged, the hornier they get. This feeling of ongoing and heightened sexual arousal can be huge fun. And, of course, the orgasm is so much more intense when they finally get it!
Orgasm control and chastity can also be tied to masochism. Some people find that after a while, the prolonged arousal can start to become painful. In the case of people with penises, the physical restriction of a chastity cage can make simply getting erect painful.
Again, people are into these kinks for all kinds of reasons. Perhaps the more interesting question is: why are you into chastity or orgasm control?
How to Get Started
So you’re curious about orgasm control or chastity play and you want to get started. Take a deep breath, pause, and slow down. It’s always a good idea to move slowly when you try a new kink, and playing with orgasm control can be surprisingly intense.
Why not start your explorations on your own? Next time you’re masturbating, try delaying your orgasm or edging yourself, and see how it feels. You can even get a chastity device and try wearing it by yourself to see how you like it. Watching denial-themed porn or reading erotic fiction can also help you learn more about what works for you and why.
If you have a partner and you want to explore this kink with them, you’ll need to talk to them. If you’re already practicing kink or D/s together, introduce orgasm control the same way you’d introduce any new kink. If not, try explaining to your partner what intrigues you about it and why - being as specific as possible - then asking if they’d be interested in exploring with you. You can get ideas and share fantasies by watching porn or reading erotica together.
If your goal is to play with long-term denial or chastity, then build up to it. Going from zero to permanent chastity on day one is a recipe for failure and disappointment. Start by wearing your device for an hour or denying your partner for one play session. These kinks, like all BDSM activities, require a lot of trust.
There are no rules that say you have to play with long-term denial or chastity at all. If you want to then you can, but if you only ever want to play for the length of a scene, that’s fine, too! The only right way to play is the way that works for you and your partner.
Finally, don’t forget safety considerations. Negotiate fully and always have a safeword or safe-signal. And if you’re using a physical chastity device, always make sure the submissive has access to a spare key in case of emergencies.
A Few Scene Ideas to Start You Off…
In BDSM, you’re limited only by your imagination and the laws of physics! So if you have your own ideas, that’s great. If you’re looking for some inspiration, here are a few ideas you might enjoy.
- Watch your favourite porn clip and see how long you can last without touching yourself.
- Forbid your submissive to orgasm until they’ve given you a predetermined number of orgasms in whatever way you choose.
- Make your submissive roll a die (a D20 if you’re feeling really evil) and make them edge themselves that number of times… or remain denied for that number of days!
- Use a powerful vibrator like a wand on your partner and challenge them to last as long as they can without coming.
- Go out with the submissive wearing their chastity device and the Dominant wearing the key around their neck.
The possibilities are endless. So play safe, and have fun!