Dirty talk is the conversational lubricant of sex. While some are comfortable in relative silence, or groaning leisurely, many of us are ensnared by the filth and eroticism offered from talking dirty in bed. Whether you’re a beginner, intermediate, or veteran smut-slinger, there are always new ways to improve your dirty talk. I humbly submit that communication is the true foundation of all the best dirty talk. In recognition of that, here are communication suggestions to benefit lovers of all experience levels.
There’s No Best Way to Dirty Talk
This is an understandable pressure for newbies, especially when you’re enthusiastic about sex talk; the reality is: talking dirty isn’t one-size-fits-all. There is no “best” way that applies to everyone. It’s essential to know what your partner finds sexy to be good at pleasing them. Your dirty talk needn’t be explicit to be hot, either - some people may feel vulgarity is uncomfortable, inauthentic, or cheesy, and that’s okay too! Your job is to figure out what does push their buttons.
1. I’m interested in talking dirty when we [sex act] - do you have any thoughts on integrating that into our play?
2. What words do you like used to refer to you and your body parts?
3. Are there any words you prefer I do NOT use for you or your parts, or any words that turn you off completely?
4. If you could pick a few phrases that REALLY make you squirm, what are they?
Making Dirty Talk Sexy Is About Creating a Moment
Figuring out how to talk dirty to your partner is more about creating a moment than achieving new heights of vulgarity or perfection. In general, self-awareness about the situation, plus a sense of humor and a willingness to go with the flow, will reward you. Self-awareness is always sexier than being self-conscious.
The good news is, if you feel self-conscious, this can be reduced with practice. Practice alone and say some of this stuff 20 or 30 times in front of the mirror. Get out all your jitters and giggles. Say it until you don’t hesitate. Repeat the dirty things you want to say until they feel familiar. After you’re comfortable practicing alone, you and your partner can practice together! Many of us have key phrases that get us going, so a fun activity on date night is taking turns figuring out how easily you can arouse one another with just words.
5. What’s the most delectable moment in your fantasies?
Answers might include, “when we’re making out,” “when the underwear comes off,” “when I penetrate you,” etc. This is prime time for dirty talk - and a perfect topic. If the sexiest part of their fantasy is when the panties come off, they might enjoy it if you whisper an instruction to remove them into their ear while you’re necking.
6. How do you want dirty talk to make you feel?
Answers might include feelings like: “Vulnerable,” “submissive,” “objectified,” “loved,” “filthy”, “safe,” “silly,” or “embarrassed.” There’s no wrong or right way to feel, but it’s helpful to know what your partner wants from the interaction so you can choose your verbiage appropriately.
7. Do you want me to do that to you?
This is a helpful question to ask when your partner shares pornography or erotica with you. They can be helpful references for what your partner likes, but don’t assume your player 2 wants you to talk to them just like the performers or characters!
The Hottest Dirty Talk Recognizes: It’s An Art Form
Practice is the key to ease and expertise with dirty talk. It’s always okay to start as basic as you need for the comfort of both parties. Even some simple feedback like, “I love how it feels when you do that,” is positive, sexy, and informative; it’s likely to be well-received. When in doubt, you can start there and branch out.
Other ways to use dirty talk while you increase your comfort with it are: using it to compliment your partner, using it to guide your partner to where you want them to touch, and for narrative purposes, like walking them through a fantasy, or role-playing.
When in doubt about how to talk dirty, consider that timing makes it hotter. If you’re encouraging a partner to orgasm, you obviously want to lean heavily on what they find sexy. Use the verbiage they prefer, and key phrases you know they love right when it’ll have the most impact, such as driving them over the edge. Your only limits are the boundaries and imaginations of the people involved, so use it to experiment with new fantasies and roles in your dynamics.
Once you get comfortable with dirty talk, if you can be nothing else, be evocative. While your partner’s preference may dictate otherwise, it is also true that many people respond positively to visceral and descriptive adjectives, like “juicy,” “twitching,” “dripping,” and their sordid ilk.
8. What type of sensory input is easiest for you to notice and imagine?
Answers tend to be at least one of the following: Visual, auditory, kinesthetic (touch), olfactory (smell), and gustatory (taste). If you want someone to feel maximum impact from your dirty talk, use some descriptive words that play on the sensory experiences that resonate with them most easily.
9. Do you have any fantasies you’d like us to explore?
This phrasing works comfortably outside of sex, but if you’d like to invite the subject when you’re en scene, ask your partner something like, “What do you think about when you touch yourself?” It opens the floor for discussion of fantasy in the moment, but sounds a little sexier than a straightforward negotiation. “What do you want me to do to you?” is another simple, steamy invitation to hear their deepest, darkest desires.
10. What attitude turns you on?
Attitude and words are the ultimate combination for setting the tone of a playdate, but without knowing the tone your partner prefers, it can be difficult to find the right attitude to go with your dirty talk. Are you stern and harsh? Affectionate and fun? Intense and pleasure-focused? The tone needed may vary depending on roles you play, what your partner likes, and what they need at that moment. If you get on their wavelength, so you behave and speak with the right attitude for them, better dirty talk is within your grasp.
Despite the depth of information offered here, try not to psych yourself out about good dirty talk. It’s an organic work in progress every time you talk dirty - let your partner co-author that with you, and savor the knowledge that you’re working to master the inner landscape of their desires. 70% of good dirty talk is just getting up the guts to say it in the first place; now you’re prepared to test your odds.