I want you to imagine a scenario: You’re in bed with a really hot lover, and you are in the middle of some really hot sex. You know the kind I am talking about: everything is clicking, you two are totally jiving with each other, and it couldn’t be going any better. In the midst of all this passion, your hot paramour turns to you and says, “Hold on a second, I need to pee.” Now, many of you are probably thinking Okay, if my sex partner had to pee, we’d stop our session, they’d excuse themselves to the bathroom, do their business, and we’d return to sex.
Imagine, just for a minute, that your hot lover had a physical disability, and when they asked you for help to pee, they needed your help to do it. Would you know what to do? Would you be too scared to help them? Would you be grossed out by the thought of helping them? Or, would you have no clue where to start helping them?
As a disabled person living with Cerebral Palsy who uses a wheelchair, and a Disability Awareness Consultant working in the field of sexuality and disability, I wanted to offer up some tips and tricks so that should you ever find yourself in this situation, you will have a better understanding of how to help without making things uncomfortable for the both of you. Here we go!
1. Please Stay Calm
This one is really, really, important. As a disabled person who has needed to pee during sex, I can’t stress this enough. There have been so many times I have had to pee, but I chose not to ask for help because I was worried that my partner would lose their cool. Look, it’s completely understandable why you might freak out; you wanna make sure you do things right, you don’t want to hurt your lover in this super vulnerable moment, you weren’t expecting to do personal care when you met them on Tinder at 2 a.m., etc.
All of those reactions are totally fair. Disability can often be new territory for a lot of us! What isn’t helpful when your disabled lover has to pee though, is you freaking out asking where our nurses are, running around the room trying to figure out what to do while they’re holding in pee, and simply refusing to help whatsoever. The more stressed you are in that situation, the harder it might be for your partner to control their nerves, and they might have an accident, which no one really wants.
When your disabled lover asks for your help to pee, try your best to stay calm. Take a couple of deep breaths before you help them and know that they are asking you because they trust you and they need your help. You can let them know you are nervous but freaking out only makes things worse.
2. Using a Portable Urinal:
One of the ways you can help your disabled lover pee is by using a portable urinal. Many disabled people who are unable to walk or transfer to the toilet use products like these in the bathroom. These are great because they can be used in just about any situation, and you can easily obtain one from your local medical supply store or online for $5-12. If your partner uses a portable urinal, they may have brought it with them but, if not, it’s a good thing to have, just in case.
If your partner has a penis, you can assist them by rolling them on their side and gently placing the urinal up to their genitals so they can pee. It might also be easy to use the portable urinal if your lover is in their mobility device. That way, you can just put the urinal between their legs and let them pee in peace. If your lover has a vulva, there is a “female” urinal that you can get, that will cup the genitals as they pee. When using the portable urinals, you want to make sure to wear gloves so that both you and your lover are sterile during the time you are helping. No one wants a UTI!
3. Putting Your Disabled Lover on The Toilet
Another way that you might want to help your disabled lover pee, is to physically put them on the toilet. Now this may seem really scary, especially if you have never helped a disabled person before. For some disabled people, it’s possible to carry them onto the toilet. You may have to hold them there whilst they pee so that they feel safe and secure, but this is a really good option if they’ve come to your house for a hook up and need a hand.
One quick tip though: when holding them on the toilet, please don’t stare expectantly at them waiting for them to pee on command. This can be absolutely nerve-wracking and make it impossible for us to actually pee. Try to look away or talk to your partner about something else to relax them. No one wants to sit on the pot for hours, when we could be using that time to do something else! Another quick tip: if you may be seeing this disabled partner on a semi-regular basis, it might be a great idea to invest in grab bars around your toilet, so that if you are carrying them or they can transfer themselves, they can use the bars to feel steady and safe.
4. Inserting a Catheter Into Your Disabled Lover:
Okay, I know from the title, this next step may seem like the scariest to you. I mean, c’mon, you may have considered insertion during this hook up, but definitely not like this, amirite? Actually though, a lot of disabled people who need help in the bathroom may need help with a catheter. Now, for those of you who may not be familiar, a catheter is a straight tube that is inserted into the bladder to drain the urine anywhere from 3-8 times per day. Sexy, right?
To do this you want to follow these steps:
- Wash your hands with soap and water thoroughly to avoid infections
- Put on a pair of vinyl non-latex gloves (your disabled lover may have them, or you can buy some before your hook up).
- Get the catheter from your disabled partner and apply a generous amount of medical lube BEFORE you insert the catheter. DO NOT use sexual lubricant, as these are not the same thing!
- If your partner has a penis, you will apply a generous amount of the lube on there as well, and hold the shaft of the penis up, while slowly inserting the catheter into your partner, ensuring that if you feel any kind of pressure to stop and check in with your partner. Now is not the time to laugh or joke with your lover (save that for afterward), for now take a deep breath and focus on what you are doing.
- If your partner has a vulva, you would slowly feed the catheter into the urethral opening, ensuring that if you feel any pressure to stop and check in. “Male” and “female” catheter systems are NOT THE SAME, so check in with your partner on how to best help.
- Once the catheter is inserted, you will grab the portable urinal placing the catheter inside until the pee stops, and when your disabled partner says so, you can SLOWLY remove the catheter, discard it, clean up your partner and get back to sexy times.
All these options above are by no means an exhaustive list of how every single disabled person pees, but my hope is that it is a start into a conversation about sex, disability and care that we need to be having. Everybody deserves a great sex life, and everybody deserves to pee; and hopefully these tips will mean that when your hot disabled lover turns to you and says, “Hey sexy, I need your help”, you’ll know how best to help them quickly and efficiently, so you can get back to their hot, disabled body!!